Freakishly Huge Pumpkin Heads

For a Jolly Halloween

Joy and rage are neighbors in her heart!

I’m gonna start this post with a trigger warning for myself: GIANT HEADED PUMPKIN THINGIES APPROACHING! GIRD YOUR LOINS!

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No, child. DON’T BE TEMPTED!

To be honest, most of the older Halloween cards aren’t all that strange. The ones that are creepy are supposed to be, and most of them are supposed to be lighthearted. But there are a few trends that drivemenuts

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Kitty play in mouth? Kitty want taste good?

This is a series from a company called Barton and Spooner (as far as I can tell), and these bulbous, pumpkin-headed things terrify me. Like, I honestly don’t like to look at these cards. I was updating my site once, and I’d forgotten I had one in the queue, and I had to put the phone down for a few seconds to recover.

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I once knew peace and love. No longer.

I think it’s the forced-jollity on their faces. The weird uncanny valley of the childlike lower half combined with the impish macrocephaly (look it up) that just makes me want to put my closet down as a forwarding address.

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I don’t know where I’m going!

It’s also that the expressions are always so over-the-top manic-with-a-dose-of-too-much-cocaine. There’s no hiding from the PAIN OF HAPPINESS in these faces.

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Dear God, what IS that? WHY is that?

Like that thing up above. It’s a Frankenstein monster of vegetable wrongness. But it’s grinning and grinding its teeth into a powder of glee. It shouldn’t exist.

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For once, cat, I’m on your side.

I happily do not own any of these physical cards. I would not willingly purchase them. If someone, only a sadistic enemy, sent me one, I would burn it. Publicly. As a statement of warning to mankind.

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No, no, no, THEY’RE GOING TO REPRODUCE!

But others seem to find them amusing, which proves once again that I am a stranger to my species, or at least the part that enjoys looking at really screwed up freaks of holiday nature.

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Oh, you’re somethin’ all right…

But, you know what? Writing this took too much out of me. These cards have now been on my screen far too long, and I need a nap. If you enjoyed this post, I grieve for your soul.

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